It might also be helpful to ditch the kids. Dropping them off with your parents or getting away to a hotel for a night can help you and your partner disconnect from your distractions, Allison says. (A hotel is also a good idea because new settings can ease your transition into new experiences.)
How to have kinky sex:
Now that you and your partner are on the same page, there are plenty of ways to actually go about getting down with a little more flair than usual.
1) Tie each other up.
You don’t have to use handcuffs or chains to add some kink to your sex life (though if you’re interested in finding a pair, we love these silk chain link cuffs from the LELO Confession Couples’ Gift Set.) You can start pretty small with some light bondage and restraint play.
“There is a sense of being erotically overwhelmed that comes along with being restrained, and many women find it quite passionate,” says Carol Queen, Ph. “Women are encouraged to understand themselves as objects of desire, and through bondage and restraint, there’s an acting out of that.”
During one of your romps, use your hands to restrain hers above her head. If she seems to like that (go ahead, ask), consider taking it further the next time around. You’ll want to ask her prior to make sure she’s into the idea of going further, but if she is, go ahead and grab neckties, silk scarves, or a pair of stockings the next time you get to it. Use gentle knots and give yourself access to all areas. Then resume what you were doing. Only slower.
“One time during sex, my husband said, ‘Okay, you don’t get to use your hands,’ and that really added a whole new level,” says Carley, 26. “We would take turns: He would hold on to the headboard and I’d do my thing, what’s better than okcupid then we’d switch. I like feeling that he could just have his way with me and I’d be powerless to stop him. It’s total trust, and that’s sexy.”
2) Try some light spanking.
Spanking can absolutely liven things up. “How hard one should spank depends on the person,” says Emma Taylor, one half of the sex blogger duo Em and Lo. “Always err on the side of reserve, and gradually build up.” Start with a light tap. If she laughs, laugh along with her. Consider a moan permission to continue.
3) Try orgasm denial.
Yes, many kinky folks live to achieve orgasms. However, denying that climax can make it even more intense. “For penis-wielders, this is typically called edging-forcing them to approach the point of no return without actually orgasming,” explains Billy Procida, host of The Manwhore Podcast. “Stop that dick from spurting multiple times until you finally have ‘permission’ to blow your load.”
“For vulva-havers, there’s a great saddle-style vibrator called the Motorbunny that comes with an actual dial that goes up to 11,” Procida continues. “Have your partner communicate when they’re close to cumming so you can increase or decrease the vibration. When they say, ‘OMG I’m almost there!’ turn the dial back down to a 1-just be prepared to get cussed out when you do!”
4) Dabble in role play.
Role play requires a herculean suspension of disbelief, but it can also pay off in a big way. Many popular roles (boss/secretary, teacher/student, stripper/customer) play on the theme of one person being in control, while the other is at his or her mercy. “These are strong dynamics, even in healthy and fun sexual relationships,” says Jean Mone, a New York City sex therapist. “They allow the woman and the man to enact their fantasies in a way that won’t leave them feeling vulnerable.”